Saturday, August 13, 2011

I've moved...blogs that is!

Hi everyone,

Please start following my new  I've decided to combine my weight loss journey and struggles with everything else in my life.  I hope to post more regularly since I will have a lot more to talk about.

Hope to see you over there!


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Body Image...

Ever since I can remember I've had the "ideal" image of what I could/should look like. I've thought about how awesome it would be to be able to wear anything and everything and look good. I got there once. I was a freshman in college, I barely ate, and I was at the gym for 2 hours almost every single day. I weighed 135 pounds at 5'9" tall. And guess what...I still thought I was fat.

I look back now and realize that although I had a flat belly and wore a size 6 that it wasn't healthy and it definitely was NOT maintainable.

I don't know why I can't just be happy with who I am or what I look like. I end up getting so frustrated at myself for hating what I see in the mirror that I beat myself up even more. It's a nasty cycle.

I don't like telling people that I struggle with body image. That I literally have a war inside my head ALL the time. There's the side of me that I allow most people to see. The side that is perfectly content with just being healthy and will be happy no matter what the scale says.  The other side is the one that ONLY cares about the scale.  That longs for when I weighed less and could easily drop 5 pounds and be back at 150 in no time.

I fight with myself. I'm not ready to face the fact that I may just be at 160 for the rest of my life. 160 is a healthy weight range for my height. I look pretty good since I've been toning up and losing inches, but 160?!? Really?!? I just can't wrap my mind around it. I SHOULD be able to lose if I do everything correctly, right?

It's so hard for me, it really is. Some days I feel awesome and proud of my body, other days I wish I could wear sweatpants and hoodies to work (it's probably better that I can't!).

Every day I work towards loving my body and loving who I am. I do what I can to be a healthy person, and I try to realize that and make that what matters.  It's a struggle to get that "perfect" image out of my head, because really...who could possibly be perfect?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Oops! I really meant to track...

So Memorial Day weekend happened...I didn't all. I drank and ate, and I do believe I made good food choices. Of course that will really be determined at weigh in tomorrow...eep! The good news, I managed to work out on Sunday, and I got back on the wagon yesterday and tracked everything AND went to the gym.

That's what it's about right? Getting back on the wagon every time we stumble as soon as possible. I also did not beat myself up over it. It happens, LIFE happens.  We all go through days, weekends, sometimes (though hopefully not too often) weeks or months where we don't eat exactly like we should, or exercise as much as we'd like, or gain weight.  We have to be willing to forgive ourselves, get up, and start again.  It doesn't matter if it's the first time it's happened or the millionth, you MUST get up each time.

Yesterday was an awesome day. I pre-tracked everything first thing in the morning, I stuck to my menu, went to the gym, and then made an amazing dinner.  Below is the recipe for cheesy baked leeks, which was adapted from Jamie Oliver's "Food Revolution" cookbook.

Preheat Oven to 400 degrees

- Olive oil & 1/2T butter
- 1 large bunch of leeks (I peeled off one layer, cut the white part off, then peeled a few more layers and used some of the light green part, roughly diced)
- 2 garlic cloves, sliced
- leaves off 6 sprigs of fresh thyme (removed from stem)
- pinch of salt & pepper
- Just under 1/2c of Light Cream
- Just under 1/2c of Skim Milk
- 1 cup 50% reduced fat cheddar - split into 1/2c servings (I used Cabot)

1) Put olive oil & butter in pan with garlic. Saute over medium heat just until garlic starts to turn golden brown.
2) Add leeks, thyme, salt and pepper. Turn up heat a bit and saute for 10 minutes or until leeks are tender
3) Remove from heat.
4) Add light cream, milk, & 1/2c cheddar
5) Pour into earthenware pan so leeks are about an inch deep
6) Cover with 1/2c cheddar cheese
7) Bake until top is golden brown and bubbling

Seriously...this was so good. DF even LOVED it and said "you can definitely make that again". I paired it with an herb salad and "fried" chicken.  It was delish!

When trying to get out of a funk of not tracking, I like to try new, healthy recipes.  It really makes me feel like eating well can fit into any lifestyle. That just because I'm watching what I eat doesn't mean I have to eat bland or blah food.  It gives me a little kick back in the right direction.

So, if you struggled this last weekend...what are you doing to hop back on the wagon?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Staying Positive

So I guess I should start posting more frequently. Once a week to start would be fantastic, so I should really get on that!

Anyway, I'm still trying to stay positive.  I re-started WWers again, I've gained 0.6 since annoying. But I am committed to continuing it, tracking everything, working out, and trying to get where I want to be.

The definition of insanity is to continue to do things the way you always have and expect it to change. I need to stop doing this. If I gain one week, I can't decide things are working and not change something.  This week is tricky...I've been in Atlantic City with my mom, aunt and family friend and obviously that means awesome food and wine...and more wine....and did I mention the wine?!

So far, I've done well.  1 drink Thursday night, 2 on Friday, and 2 tonight. I went for an hour and 20 minute long walk today and earned my APs. I have been eating well, and splurging only at one meal per day.  That's called making it a lifestyle. I'm not willing to give up my girls weekends, but I am willing to tone them down a bit.

What can I do for the rest of the week to ensure I have a good weigh in on Thursday.

1) Go grocery shopping - I need to have my breakfasts for work and veggies. Living on the go with no plan is not good for my WLJ
2) Track calories & P+ to make sure I am eating enough - believe it or not I have trouble with this. So I need to double track for the rest of the week to figure out if I am eating the right number of calories, and what that means in terms of P+.  Do I have to eat WPs every single day, APs, a little of both? I need to find out.
3) GET MY BUM TO THE GYM! Last week wasn't the best as far as gyming it up is concerned. This week WILL be better.  We all have bad weeks, the key is to get right back on the work out wagon.

This week will be a better week :)

I can't wait for summer too.  I have a share for a local CSA...I will start picking up veggies every Monday starting this week or next.  I will be forced to make creative dishes and I can't wait to start sharing the recipes I use.  Hopefully it will help me get out of my food rut! I miss how it feels to enjoy cooking.  Part of this is my tiny little kitchen (no really...I have a total of 1 cabinet worth of usable counter space). I love cooking and baking new things, and not having the space has put a damper on it.  But as my mother says, I need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

Here's to continuing a good week!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hop on the Struggle Bus

So, I usually only post when I have something positive to say, or some revelation that I want to share, but recently I feel confused and I'm struggling with it.

After feeling like I was finally losing, I gained...and gained...and guess what?!? gained again!

I'm doing what I'm supposed to be. Eating enough calories, working out, watching my portions, and boom the scale doesn't think that's good enough.  Why does the scale matter, you might ask. And you know what, I don't know, but it does.  Am I happy to have lost inches everyone, OF COURSE! But there is something about the number on that scale that really bothers me.

I've never been in the 160s, or at least not for this long. It started when I got sick, and when I was finally diagnosed with PCOS I thought the weight would just come flying back off.  Boy was I wrong. I was 170 the day I went to the doctor to get the diagnosis almost a year ago. I am now, as of this morning, 163.6. Progress, yes...where I feel I should

I don't know what to do. I thought going to the dietitian and learning how to eat properly would help, I feel better, but still no results on the scale.  Maybe I'm not watching my carbs as closely as I should be, so that is something upon which I can improve.

My other thought...maybe this is my happy weight now. My body has changed, and now it's time to tone it up and give up the thought of being back in the 150s. I am currently in my healthy weight range and BMI range, and maybe that's good enough. I am having a really hard time believing this though. I am trying. I am looking in the mirror and trying to see my body as beautiful the way it is.  Do you know how difficult that is? To not stand there and pick apart every imperfection and instead tell yourself what you love about your body.

I'm trying...I'm moving forward and trying not to look back. I am not counting anything right now. I will be starting a food journal and then maybe meeting back with the dietitian to make sure I am doing everything that she recommended correctly.  If I am...then it's time to start accepting my body the way it is and stop trying to change it to the ideal I have in my head. 

I have to love my body, sounds simple but it's not.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Nothing Worth Doing Is Easy

So a lot has happened in the last two weeks.  I'll start with my visit to the dietitian. I decided that having a rough guide to the number of carbs I should eat wasn't enough.  After a month of gaining weight for no reason (AGAIN) I decided I needed to do something.  I called my endocrinologist and got a recommendation for a dietitian that focuses on Diabetes/Endocrine Issues.  Awesome!

Let me tell you, it was an amazing experience.  She knew that I was knowledgeable on nutrition, exercise, good carbs vs. bad carbs, how to read NI, etc.  So she focused on the carbs, calories, fats and proteins my body needs to function like a "normal" person.  I need less carbs, broken out throughout the day evenly - 30g at each meal, 15g for each snack - totaling 135g.  I need more fat and protein eaten with the carbs AND I need to EAT MORE CALORIES...gasp! Prior to this meeting, I was eating anywhere between 1300-1400 calories on a good day...I need to be eating at least 1550, but preferably 1600. WOW...what a difference.

After just over a week following the dietitian's advice, I feel awesome! I didn't realize you weren't supposed to wake up joke. Every morning my stomach would be growling. What was I thinking!?!

This week...I lost 2.4 pounds!!!

Something else I realized is that getting a toned, healthy body isn't going to be easy.  It's going to take more than going to the gym and doing cardio and *some* weights. It's going to take some hard core, painful workouts. Will they be fun...heck no! Will they be worth it...heck YES! When I can look in the mirror and see some definition in my abs, or my legs, or my arms and be proud of how I look, every drop of sweat, every thought of "I can't do another rep", will be worth it.

I went to the trainer two weeks ago to get a new routine of all free weights and body weight exercises. I've only done one day of arms.  It scared me to feel weak after spending months on the weight machines.  Well, it's time to suck it up and just do it (Nike really has something with that slogan)!

I know I won't feel this positive every day, and life will get in the way of gym workouts and eating right.  The difference is not letting one day away from the gym/working out effect the next day, or the day after.  If I *only* make it to the gym or workout from home 3 days a week...I WORKED OUT 3 DAYS!!!

So many times I think we focus on the negative, what we didn't accomplish or didn't do.  I think we all need to start looking at what we have accomplished, no matter how small! Did you get ONE workout in this week, did you track ONE day? Well, awesome job! Now work on making it TWO days.

We can do it!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

My light bulb a-ha moment

It's been a while since I've posted! Sheesh where is the time going.

I did really well and lost 5.8 lbs and was 0.6 away from being in the 150's...then I gained...and gained...and now I'm at 163.

The issue with this is that I've been working out 3-6 times per week. I've been eating pretty darn well, though as always there is some room for improvement, specifically around the number of carbs I've been eating. (Due to PCOS I have to limit them each day).

So, what is important.  Is it the number on the scale? Does it really matter if I weigh 159.8 or 162.2? Or is it more important that I am now working out consistently, I've lost 3 inches in my waist and almost 2 inches every where else! Isn't that what matters? My clothes are fitting better and I feel great!

I started in January wanting to be healthier, and you know what...I am! I enjoy working out again, I love cooking new and healthy things, and when I do go out to eat, I try to be healthier.

I have not tracked a single point this week.  I have tracked calories for yesterday/today to make sure I wasn't going crazy, I wasn't! I'm learning what my body needs to be fueled, and what it doesn't (hello chocolate chips).

I will go back to counting calories next week, as I do need to make sure I am sticking within my calorie range (I was eating less than 1200 cals for a while...NOT GOOD), and to make sure I am sticking to my carb range as given to me by my doctor.

I think I needed that light bulb to come on in my head.  The one that said the weight on the scale isn't everything.  That it's not the only way to measure how healthy I am, or how well I'm doing. I will post my exact measurements from 1/1 and 3/1 when I get home and show you how I know whatever I am doing is working.  I may never lose another pound, but I will continue to work out and eat right. 

A number on the scale will no longer control my happiness nor my desire to be healthy again.