Body Image...

Ever since I can remember I've had the "ideal" image of what I could/should look like. I've thought about how awesome it would be to be able to wear anything and everything and look good. I got there once. I was a freshman in college, I barely ate, and I was at the gym for 2 hours almost every single day. I weighed 135 pounds at 5'9" tall. And guess what...I still thought I was fat.

I look back now and realize that although I had a flat belly and wore a size 6 that it wasn't healthy and it definitely was NOT maintainable.

I don't know why I can't just be happy with who I am or what I look like. I end up getting so frustrated at myself for hating what I see in the mirror that I beat myself up even more. It's a nasty cycle.

I don't like telling people that I struggle with body image. That I literally have a war inside my head ALL the time. There's the side of me that I allow most people to see. The side that is perfectly content with just being healthy and will be happy no matter what the scale says.  The other side is the one that ONLY cares about the scale.  That longs for when I weighed less and could easily drop 5 pounds and be back at 150 in no time.

I fight with myself. I'm not ready to face the fact that I may just be at 160 for the rest of my life. 160 is a healthy weight range for my height. I look pretty good since I've been toning up and losing inches, but 160?!? Really?!? I just can't wrap my mind around it. I SHOULD be able to lose if I do everything correctly, right?

It's so hard for me, it really is. Some days I feel awesome and proud of my body, other days I wish I could wear sweatpants and hoodies to work (it's probably better that I can't!).

Every day I work towards loving my body and loving who I am. I do what I can to be a healthy person, and I try to realize that and make that what matters.  It's a struggle to get that "perfect" image out of my head, because really...who could possibly be perfect?