Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hop on the Struggle Bus

So, I usually only post when I have something positive to say, or some revelation that I want to share, but recently I feel confused and I'm struggling with it.

After feeling like I was finally losing, I gained...and gained...and guess what?!? gained again!

I'm doing what I'm supposed to be. Eating enough calories, working out, watching my portions, and boom the scale doesn't think that's good enough.  Why does the scale matter, you might ask. And you know what, I don't know, but it does.  Am I happy to have lost inches everyone, OF COURSE! But there is something about the number on that scale that really bothers me.

I've never been in the 160s, or at least not for this long. It started when I got sick, and when I was finally diagnosed with PCOS I thought the weight would just come flying back off.  Boy was I wrong. I was 170 the day I went to the doctor to get the diagnosis almost a year ago. I am now, as of this morning, 163.6. Progress, yes...where I feel I should be...no.

I don't know what to do. I thought going to the dietitian and learning how to eat properly would help, I feel better, but still no results on the scale.  Maybe I'm not watching my carbs as closely as I should be, so that is something upon which I can improve.

My other thought...maybe this is my happy weight now. My body has changed, and now it's time to tone it up and give up the thought of being back in the 150s. I am currently in my healthy weight range and BMI range, and maybe that's good enough. I am having a really hard time believing this though. I am trying. I am looking in the mirror and trying to see my body as beautiful the way it is.  Do you know how difficult that is? To not stand there and pick apart every imperfection and instead tell yourself what you love about your body.

I'm trying...I'm moving forward and trying not to look back. I am not counting anything right now. I will be starting a food journal and then maybe meeting back with the dietitian to make sure I am doing everything that she recommended correctly.  If I am...then it's time to start accepting my body the way it is and stop trying to change it to the ideal I have in my head. 

I have to love my body, sounds simple but it's not.